On This Day, I Share My Loss

I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted to post about this topic, at first I didn't want to. I felt it was too personal and I didn't want to share something like that on my blog. But after much thought I decided that maybe posting my story will help someone else not feel so alone.

Back in this post, I talked about having a rough couple weeks. Today, I will share with you why those weeks were rough.

On August 10th, we found out that we were expecting baby #3. We were excited! We shared our news with our family and friends at a labor day party that we held at our house on September 2nd.

On September 4th at 7 weeks pregnant, I had my first appointment. My doctor confirmed I was pregnant-- which was good since we just shared the news. At that appointment I requested an early ultrasound. Why? At that time I just wanted one...but looking back, I think I sensed something was wrong. But my doctor agreed to let me have an ultrasound...a perk to your doctor being a family friend.

On September 11th I had my ultrasound. I was crazy nervous. After waiting for the ultrasound tech to take measurements of everything, she turned to me and said that my baby was measuring 6 weeks...I should have been 8. She had a hard time finding the heartbeat but there was a slow heartbeat. However, that didn't set my mind at ease. I new when I ovulated. I took my temp every morning for the previous 3 months before getting pregnant and during the month we got pregnant. I charted everything. So I knew in my heart that things were not good. But my doctor came in and said we had a heartbeat and not to worry but that we could do another ultrasound in two weeks to ease my mind.

Of course, I wanted that ultrasound!

Ugh, those were a rough two weeks. I wanted to believe my doctor but I believed my charting more. It didn't make sense that my baby was measuring only 6 weeks...that would have meant that when I got my positive pregnancy test, I wasn't pregnant yet. I just didn't see how that could be possible.

I googled...which is never really a good idea. But I held on to one small piece of info that I found online...that women with a tilted uterus (which I had) can measure small on an ultrasound because the tech has a hard time getting measurements.

The two weeks passed by incredibly slow and seemed to drag on, even though we went on our anniversary trip to Niagara Falls. The entire time I had the fear of miscarrying. But I didn't, so that little bit of hope I was holding on to grew bigger...because maybe, just maybe it was right. Maybe the tech didn't get good measurements and my baby if fine.

I had my second ultrasound on September 25th. I should have been 10 weeks along. At that ultrasound there was no baby. Only a small part of the sac.

Our baby was gone.

I had what they refer to as a missed miscarriage.

I had a d&c the following day.

I didn't cry. I think I had enough time time to prepare myself for the news I knew I was going to hear. Was I sad, though? Incredibly. I still am. I should be almost 13 weeks. It really makes it hard when I hear about people who are pregnant and close to when I was due. I wish it were still me counting down to meeting our new baby. But in my heart I know that things happen for a reason. I have accepted the fact that our baby is no longer with us.

Now we wait. We wait for my body to re-regulate itself. 2 months is what my doctor said. Then we try again. I am okay. I can only hope that we are able to hold our next baby in our arms.

So on this day, Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day, I remember our baby that we will never hold in our arms. A sibling that our children will never meet.

I loved you even though I never met you! Please know I think about you often!

And to those who know this day all too well, I send my love and a big virtual HUG to each and every one of you.

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  1. I love that you shared this intimate situation with us, Jen! You are definitely not alone! Our babies are not alone! We are strong women and strong mamas! Your story brought tears to my eyes. You have all these women around to help support you during this tough time. We might bend, but we'll never break!

  2. Hugs!! I've been thinking of you today!!

  3. This is very brave of you to share your story, but so awesome that by sharing this, you may be helping out someone else that is in the very same position. Thinking of you!

  4. :(

    So sorry, Jennifer...i'm so glad you blogged about it, though...it's like miscarriage is this 'taboo' topic that people don't want to acknowledge or discuss. but it's such a real, heartbreaking thing...

    hugs! praying for you!

    1. Jill, that is so true! No one ever talked about it but it happens far more often then people realize!


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