Pregnant After A Loss

Every time I found out I was pregnant, there was always that feeling of nervousness. There was always a worry about the baby being okay. A feeling of helplessness because no matter what I did, I never knew if that little bean was growing until I saw it on that ultrasound machine.

It was a normal worry. A worry of the unknown and a worry of what we could not see.

I knew our loss back in September would change any future pregnancy...I just didn't know by how much.

I knew that there would still be that constant worry, but this time it is a worry that far exceeds any worry that I had with my other pregnancies.

Even after seeing our bean wiggling around, I am still internally freaking out that something could happen. It's something that crosses my mind multiple times a day...multiple times an hour. I am always thinking about it.

I don't think there will ever be a time in this pregnancy where I am not worried that something could happen.

I tell myself that this is normal...

I tell myself not to worry...

I tell myself to just enjoy being pregnant...

But it's a lot more complicated than that.

I have yet to find a way to not think about the possibility of something happening. I have yet to find a way to move on from our loss and enjoy the fact that we saw this little beans little flickering heartbeat.

Tomorrow I will be 10 weeks. After that I will surpass how long I was pregnant last time. (even though we lost the baby back around 6 weeks.) I had my D&C the day after we confirmed our loss at 10w1d. This is a major milestone to me. I'm not sure if everyone who has suffered a loss counts down to their loss day, but for some reason I did.

So, all I can do now is hope that with each passing day our little bean is growing bigger. All I can do is count down until my next appointments were I can get confirmation that everything is in fact moving along as it should be. Because that is all I know to do at this time. It is such a helpless feeling.

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  1. Oh Jennifer! I cannot imagine how you are feeling as I have never experienced a loss. Please know that I am thinking about you and praying that baby sticks!

  2. It's a situation that I have never been in, so I cannot say I know how you feel, because to be honest I can't even imagine. Thinking of you and praying for you that your pregnancy goes just as smooth as it can!!!

  3. I know how your feeling and we aren't even able to TTC yet!! I'm not glad we had a loss, but I wish ours had happened sooner, before the second trimester, because now I'm going to be even more of a mess when we do get pregnant. :/
    I'm so renting a Doppler for that reason alone and I've already told Erin.
    Just remember what we've told each other, we 'knew.' So trust your instincts again, you know things are fine and they are. :)
    Wish we were neighbors because I think we could both use lots of hugs and couch/crochet/kids watch tv/play time. :)

  4. It is completely normal to feel this way after a loss. I had 3 m/c's and it was difficult every new pregnancy. I never let myself be happy for the pregnancy because it was too hard to deal with the loss after I celebrated. I couldn't think about the pregnancy, didn't want to talk about it or names at all. And then we finally found out why I was m/c and it made my pregnancy with my daughter easier. I still was nervous for the entire pregnancy but it eased as I "graduated" the first trimester and each milestone after. It will get easier as the weeks pass. Best of luck!


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