Every time I found out I was pregnant, there was always that feeling of nervousness. There was always a worry about the baby being okay. A feeling of helplessness because no matter what I did, I never knew if that little bean was growing until I saw it on that ultrasound machine.
It was a normal worry. A worry of the unknown and a worry of what we could not see.
I knew our loss back in September would change any future pregnancy...I just didn't know by how much.
I knew that there would still be that constant worry, but this time it is a worry that far exceeds any worry that I had with my other pregnancies.
Even after seeing our bean wiggling around, I am still internally freaking out that something could happen. It's something that crosses my mind multiple times a day...multiple times an hour. I am always thinking about it.
I don't think there will ever be a time in this pregnancy where I am not worried that something could happen.
I tell myself that this is normal...
I tell myself not to worry...
I tell myself to just enjoy being pregnant...
But it's a lot more complicated than that.
I have yet to find a way to not think about the possibility of something happening. I have yet to find a way to move on from our loss and enjoy the fact that we saw this little beans little flickering heartbeat.
Tomorrow I will be 10 weeks. After that I will surpass how long I was pregnant last time. (even though we lost the baby back around 6 weeks.) I had my D&C the day after we confirmed our loss at 10w1d. This is a major milestone to me. I'm not sure if everyone who has suffered a loss counts down to their loss day, but for some reason I did.
So, all I can do now is hope that with each passing day our little bean is growing bigger. All I can do is count down until my next appointments were I can get confirmation that everything is in fact moving along as it should be. Because that is all I know to do at this time. It is such a helpless feeling.